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One of the greatest generals
12.18.03 (1:13 pm)   [edit]
Don't be a fool and die for your country. Let the other son of a bitch die for his.
-George S. Patton

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-George S. Patton

Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.
-George S. Patton


[u][b]Now, this one is about Iraq.[/b][/u]

One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.
-Sir Winston Churchill
 
The greatest president
12.17.03 (1:08 pm)   [edit]
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.
-Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
-Ronald Reagan, Said during a radio microphone test, 1984
 
Say what??
12.14.03 (9:17 pm)   [edit]
Well, now that we have him, I am willing to bet that we will have the WMDs within the month.
Dont post cuz I'm not gonna read your dumbass coments. Instead, go to the site that says A SPECIAL MESSAGE.
 
http://www.amishrakefight.org/gfy/
12.11.03 (11:35 pm)   [edit]
http://www.amishrakefight.org/gfy/
I want you all to go to this site.
 
Freedom
12.11.03 (10:37 am)   [edit]
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
-John Stuart Mill

This is one of the best quotes about war and freedom I have ever heard. When people say that there are no clear victors in war or war solves nothing, they obviously are either tree hugging hippies or just plain affraid of standing up for what you believe in. Granted you dont have to fight a war to stand up for what you believe in but sometimes it is neccessary.
Now, back to "there are no clear winners of war". Of course there are clear winners, the Revolutionary war, the Civil War, WWI, and WWII. That's just what I could think of right now. The US/Allies were the clear victors in all of these wars. I see the point that there were so many deaths, but that does not mean it was worth it. If you are not prepared to fight for your freedom, then there is no point in continuing to live. If you dont have freedom, you will not have the freedom to protect yourself. Would you want to put your life in the hands of the government? I know I wouldnt.
 
Quote of the day
12.11.03 (10:18 am)   [edit]
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-Ben Franklin
 
For those of you from sunnier climates
12.10.03 (7:00 pm)   [edit]
this is the "Official Minnesota
temperature Conversion Chart"......

60 above


New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

40 above
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

20 above
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly
hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt

15 above
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0
People in Miami all die...
Minnesotans lick the flagpole.

20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until
it gets cold enough.

80 below
Mount St. Helens freezes.
People in Minnesota rent some videos.

100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg

297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands.

460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in Minnesota start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Vikings win the Super Bowl!
 
Why is Tommy Chong in jail???
12.10.03 (12:37 pm)   [edit]
From what I have read, Tommy Chong was sentenced to 9 months in jail and was given a $20,000 fine(not sure on this figure) for selling drug paraphernalia on his Nice Dreams web site. All I have been able to gather is that he was selling bongs and pipes, none of which, to my knowledge, are illegal. (If they are illegal in another state, I dont know) I realize that 99% of the people who buy pipes and bongs use them for smoking pot, but they were originally used for smoking tobacco.(I'm probably wrong on this too) No matter what they look like, whether they change color, are tie died, or are incredibly large, they are still legal and considered tobacco products, not drug paraphernalia. Even if they decided to make them illegal, they would have to arrest nearly all the tobacco shop owners, glass shop owners, and other shops that sold products like the ones Tommy Chong was arrested for.

If I am wrong in any way on anything I have said here, tell me and show me where I can find the truth about this.
 
Do you believe in god/God?
12.10.03 (9:10 am)   [edit]
Or, do you believe in heaven or hell? I've been able to find several sources of evidence of hell, many of them were incredibly disturbing, as they should be. Why is it that it seems like we need to be frightend into believing in god and that we will go to hell if we don't believe?

Churches are like cults, if you don't go, you are considered unfaithfull. Why do we feel we need to go to church to be faithfull to "God." I don't know whether or not I believe in "God" or a higher power, but if I ever do figure my beliefs/ideas out, I know I wont be part of any organized religion. Everyone is too worried about being in a group to appreciate their higher power. Simply believing in god and following a simple moral code of ethics is good enough. We put too much emphasis on going to church and not enough on following the bible or whatever religious book you have.

Most of that didnt come out the way i wanted, but then again i was never any good at talking about the things that were important to me. If you were offended by this, no offence was intended, just looking for some advice to give me some direction.
 
Do you believe in hell?
12.07.03 (2:26 am)   [edit]
Several years ago a book was published, entitled Beyond Death's Door by Dr. Maurice Rawlings. Dr. Rawlings, a specialist in Internal Medicine and Cardiovascular Disease, resuscitated many people who had been clinically dead. Dr. Rawlings, a devout atheist, "considered all religion "hocus-pocus" and death nothing more than a painless extinction". But something happened in 1977 that brought a dramatic change in the life of Dr. Rawlings! He was resuscitating a man, terrified and screaming — descending down into the flames of hell:
"Each time he regained heartbeat and respiration, the patient screamed, "I am in hell!" He was terrified and pleaded with me to help him. I was scared to death. . . Then I noticed a genuinely alarmed look on his face. He had a terrified look worse than the expression seen in death! This patient had a grotesque grimace expressing sheer horror! His pupils were dilated, and he was perspiring and trembling — he looked as if his hair was "on end."
Then still another strange thing happened. He said,"Don't you understand? I am in hell. . . Don't let me go back to hell!" . . .the man was serious, and it finally occurred to me that he was indeed in trouble. He was in a panic like I had never seen before."
(Maurice Rawlings, Beyond Death's Door,(Thomas Nelson Inc., 1979) p. 3).
Dr. Rawlings said, no one, who could have heard his screams and saw the look of terror on his face could doubt for a single minute that he was actually in a place called hell!
 
pff
12.07.03 (1:53 am)   [edit]
If you dont like me or this site go to the link on the left hand side of the screen that says A SPECIAL MESSAGE
 
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
12.06.03 (11:54 pm)   [edit]
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
 
Evil Plan
12.06.03 (11:47 pm)   [edit]
Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Money

Stage One
To begin your plan, you must first assassinate a rich and powerful ceo. This will cause the world to sign up for life insurance policies, amazed by your arrival. Who is this evil genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a corporate suit?


Stage Two
Next, you must seize control of the White House. This will all be done from a underground secret headquarters of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will flee in terror, as countless hordes of classic thugs hasten to do your every bidding.


Stage Three
Finally, you must reveal to the world your corporate takeover, bringing about a 1984 police state. Your name shall become synonymous with rage, and no man will ever again dare cross you. Everyone will bow before your cunning intelligence, and the world will have no choice but to make you their new god.
 
Ideology and religion
12.06.03 (10:58 am)   [edit]
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.

Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.

Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.

Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.

Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism: God made all shit.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!

Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.

Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.

Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.

Utopianism: This shit does not stink.

Darwinism: This shit was once food.

Capitalism: That's MY shit.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Feminism: Men are shit.

Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism: Let's package this shit.

Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.

Illogism: Food is shit, therefore I must shit out my mouth

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.

Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?

Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormonism: God sent us this shit.

Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.

Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.

Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock< >Knock< Shit happens. >
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?

Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.

Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
 
Hell
12.06.03 (12:36 am)   [edit]

General asshats, Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle I Limbo

Bill Clinton, Democrats
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

PETA Members, Greens
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

NAMBLA Members
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Gray Davis
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Qusay Hussein
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Uday Hussein
Circle VII Burning Sands

Saddam Hussein
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Osama bin Laden
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell
 
Beavis and Butthead
12.04.03 (10:44 am)   [edit]
Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said "come."

You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let's like get into each other's life or whatever.

Uh, like let's drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, do it.

Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.

What's your sign? Is it "Yield"?

Huh huh huh huh. Would you like carry my books for me?

If I said you were sexy, would you hold your body against me?

I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.

My lips are registered weapons.

I'm not trying to pick you up. You're like too heavy. Huh huh huh huh. Get it?

If I was the last man on Earth I bet we could do it in public.

If you need a love doctor, I have like a medicated degree.

If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me. 'Cause I'm like a sex machine.

If you're really hot, I bet I can cool you down.

Hey, are you one of those chicks who goes out with guys right off the bat? 'Cause that's what I'm looking for.

Should I call you for breakfast or will you like cook it for me?

You may not be really hot, but I bet you like to do it.
 
Good thing most cops are dudes
12.03.03 (9:57 pm)   [edit]
Here's a little Thanksgiving story to tuck you into bed. It all starts with Sharkey, last night (Thanksgiving Eve), on his way to meet up with Bolt Boy, Killbot, and the rest of the bunch in L.A. for some drinks at Hennessey's. After a verbal altercation with the little woman, Sharkey is hard pressed for time, and doing between 90 and 100MPH to make up the time. Blinded by his thirst for the drink and vile hatred of PMS and all it's victims, our hero does not notice the police officer speeding up behind him. Let's pop in on the ensuing conversation:
Cop: "You were going pretty fast back there, you been drinkin' tonight?"

Sharkey: "No sir. It's just been a rough night. Got into a pretty rough and therefore illogical fight with my girlfriend."

Cop: *uninterested* "Uh huh. I'll be right back."

Sharkey: "I dunno what's wrong with that girl. She falls asleep after I take good time out of my night to be with her. But as soon as I make plans to go out with the boys, since she's obviously not going anywhere, she flips out. Tries to tell me that I can't go out with my friends on Thanksgiving of all days. Ridiculous."

Cop: *stops, visibly stirred* "...I'll be back in a minute."

*Five minutes later*

Cop: "Look. I wrote you up a ticket. But not for the speeding. I was in the middle of writing it when you started talking, so I have to fill it in with something, so I wrote you up for improperly wearing your seatbelt. That'll save you at least a few hundred bucks, alright?"

Sharkey: "...wow, thank you sir. "

Cop: "No problem. Sorry about your problems with your girlfriend. That is ridiculous."
God bless that officer. We gotta stick together chief, you're a true man's man. That one time per month where female illogic and emotional overabundance takes its toll, you gotta support your brother.

And with that, my turkey swelled brethren, I give you permission to begin the Christmas season.
 
Just when you thought it was safe to do some PCP and then punch a cop.
12.03.03 (9:47 pm)   [edit]
Man's Death in Fight With Cincinnati Cops Probed

Well here we go again. The short of it is that a 400 pound man was whacked out of his fucking gourd on PCP and coke in front of a fast food joint (White Castle) and the cops were called to take care of it. When the police got there, he attacked them (ON VIDEOTAPE) and the two police on the scene tried to subdue him after both officers sustained injuries to their heads. They called for backup, and what follows is a video of a cluster of officers beating the guy and shouting at him to put his hands on the ground. The guy was taken to the hospital and died.

OK folks, lets go over this once more

1. You should not be passed out on the lawn of a White castle on PCP, ever.
2. When a police officer asks you to put your hands on the ground, you had better fucking do it.
3. If you attack a police officer, its likely that you are going to get the ever loving shit kicked out of you, and you deserve it.
4. If you weigh 400 pounds, you are too god damn fat and your heart is not strong enough to sustain a simultaneous coke high and a brawl with police.

All police, intuitively know the first rule of police work At the end of your shift, make sure you go home safely (-Sean Connery said that in The Untouchables) and, having seen the whole video of the beating, I believe that they were following the right course of action toward obeying that rule. This incident was unfortunate, but it could have been more unfortunate had the police held back and the guy had gotten hold of one of their nightsticks or firearms.

Now, the more important question is why can't the NAACP grasp these seemingly simple concepts? If this guy had been a 400 pound drunken hillbilly, this story wouldn't have made the 5 o'clock news here in Chicago much less FOX nationwide. I suppose his civil rights were violated. I guess the police don't have the civil right to prevent a lunatic from attacking them. I suppose I'm being sarcastic.

Odds are if left to his own devices this tub of shit would have been dead in a week anyway. I don't know what rock bottom is, but lying passed out in front of White Castle, flipped out of your mind on coke and angel dust and god knows what else has to be pretty damn close.

Dying after attacking police in a 7-11 parking lot...I think THAT would be rock bottom.
 
Top Ten
12.03.03 (8:57 am)   [edit]
Top ten times when using the word fuck was appropriate:

10. "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

9. "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - Custer

8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein

7. "It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso

6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4. "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." - Joan of Arc

3. "Scattered fucking showers... my ass!" - Noah

2. "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the word fuck....

1. "Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
 
o
12.01.03 (5:43 pm)   [edit]
Hey man you know I'm really okay
The gun in my hand will tell you the same
But when I'm in my car
Don't give me no crap
Cause the slightest thing and I just might snap
When I go driving I stay in my lane
But getting cut off makes me insane
I open the glove box
Reach inside
I'm gonna wreck this fucker's ride
I guess I got a bad habit
And it ain't goin' away Yeah
Well they say the road's a dangerous place
If you flip me off I'm the danger you'll face
You drive on my ass
You're foot's on the gas
And your next breath is your last
Drivers are rude
Such attitudes
But when I show my piece
Complaints cease
Something's odd
I feel like I'm God
You stupid dumbshit goddam motherfucker
I open the glove box
Reach inside
I'm gonna wreck this fucker's ride